When defensiveness in relationships arise ask yourself, "What am I defending?" In all cases it's some aspect of our own self-concept; some aspect or image of what we've identified with. The deeper you go into spirituality, you start to realize that however it looks on the screen of the world, you are only ever talking or listening to yourself. The ego feels it is lacking and incomplete, and so it looks at a relationship partner to fill that lack. It thinks it deserves love and it looks for a partner to fulfill that love . . .